Why “Toxic Mom Groups” Aren’t Really the Problem

Every few months, social media lights up with another round of “mom groups are toxic” discourse. The tone shifts, the examples vary, but the message stays the same: women are mean to each other, moms judge each other, and community is too risky to trust.

But the truth is far more interesting, and far more compassionate.

What people are calling “toxic mom groups” isn’t a motherhood problem.

It’s a container problem.
And a psychological safety problem.
And sometimes, a friendship-under-pressure problem that gets mislabeled as support.

Most mom groups aren’t support groups at all. They’re informal circles of women navigating one of the biggest identity ruptures of their lives without any structure to hold the emotional weight of it. There’s no facilitator. No norms. No shared understanding of how to navigate difference or repair. Just a group of exhausted humans doing their best while their nervous systems are stretched thin.

And when identity feels shaky, difference starts to feel threatening.

Suddenly a feeding choice, a sleep plan, or a parenting style becomes something more symbolic: a stand-in for safety, competence, or self-worth. That’s when comparison slips into judgment, and judgment slips into either defensiveness or silence. Not because moms are unkind, but because uncontained vulnerability often turns into self-protection.

In those dynamics, the group itself becomes reactive, even though no one intended harm.

It’s the absence of structure, not the presence of mothers, that creates the emotional static.

Trained expert-led groups are different in almost every way. They’re not built around performance or proximity, but around psychological safety. They make room for difference without turning it into hierarchy. They normalize rupture and repair. They don’t require you to prove you’re doing motherhood “right” to belong. And they don’t confuse shared exhaustion with shared capacity.

This is why, when people say “mom groups are toxic,” what they’re usually describing is a friend group, not a support group.

Support requires leadership.
Support requires intention.
Support requires emotional intelligence, individually and collectively.

Without those things, any group - parenting or otherwise - can quietly drift into comparison, pressure, and emotional noise.

At Honey, we see real support very differently.

Support is a space where you don’t have to perform wellness to be welcomed.
Where you can disagree without being exiled.
Where you can say the thing you’re scared to say.
Where your truth is held, not measured.

This is the kind of community motherhood deserves.
And honestly? The kind that women deserve in every life stage.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Yes. this is exactly what I’ve felt,” you’re not alone. That’s why we love training group leaders, and holding groups. Explore our groups here, like our newborn group, run by Julie Dorfman for the last 11 years. We’re also launching a new evening Moms Group for moms in every stage, led by Honey founder Brooke Miller, an intentionally held space for real support.

Healthy community exists.
Sometimes you just need a better container.